It has been long, too long since I worked at parchment nor silk for someone. So long since I haven even thought for it. I thought ..when I started, that I would not remember the delicate play, that my fingers would not be sure, nor steady...that I would have forgotten the twists, the folds...that I had lost the art....But as I sat and worked, my mind concentrating upon my task as I spoke words..neither here nor there, nothing of import..just words to stop me worrying over the task at hand...it just came.

I cannot explain why, I do not know what possessed me to even have the want to make the form, but the idea popped into my head and it had never seemed more ...right. I do not have much, no talent to speak of, I cannot sing nor play, I have not the soul of a poet nor the voice of an angel. I cannot twist the shadows nor inspire hearts. I am just a simple woman...but...

I can dance....and I can form parchment and silk to anything I set my mind to, when I try hard and have the notion. Aye..it has been long and no they are not masterpieces of art, not works to be treasured and kept...but they are mine, things that I have to gift...things I can put my mind to, ...things I can create instead of destroy.

Even now as I sit, my fingers ache...you do not feel it as you work, you do not even realise you strain the muscles...but it has been so long..and the last things I made were naught but simple flowers..this required much more of my attention.

Ahh perhaps it will not even be appreciated...my foolish little gift, it's not something of value ...but it's a simple gesture..and thats all I have.

Memories....Life has an uncanny way of....how do I put it? Twisting, coiling in on itself..the perpetuation of destiny. I am back in the abyss..it's comforting and at the same time it evokes painful memories. It would be irony indeed if I were to come from this and return his favour.

The darkness...it's so thick..it's..tangible. I will be here for the Gods only know how long, trapped in reality, not just in theory. It will give me time to think, properly about what I really want...and what ....what I have to seperate as dreams and reality.

To dance, oh how my soul longs for the dance. The expression involved. The dance of words, of swords, of love, of death...of life. I can see all the dancers, they rest so tantalisingly within reach..gliding through life as I settle at the sidelines and watch...so eager to join but trapped..so undeniably trapped. I sit in a cage of glass, partly of my own making, and watch as the masquerade plays out across the floor. Me inside, them outside..just watching and dreaming.

Sometimes one will drift close enough to the glass that I can almost feel the warmth, almost touch...what would I do if I was free anyway. I will never be free..there is no such thing as freedom where conscience reigns.

Dreams are for dreamers, facts for realists. We have to learn to make the best of what we have and try our best not to let bitterness take us. It shall not have me, no matter how much, how often, I am forced or guided or trapped...it will not have me. I dont have much, not my freedom, not my feelings, not my pride nor integrity, not my fate nor my choices...those are things that can be stripped from you..and they are foolish things to cling to...all I have is that little spark that nestles deep in my chest...in a place no one can find and no one can hurt..safe..that little tiny spark that enables me to watch, to dream, to pray and wish and hope...the little spark that is me...and though it rests behind the glass....

At least it's still mine

It's been an awful day, I have no idea why I have just irritated or upset everyone today. This stupid thing about harvester is still grating at me, and nothing I have done seems to have made me fit. Im watching from the outside and the more I try to get in the further away I am driven.

I dont expect everyone to like me, hell, I dont expect anyone to like me...I am not the nicest of people around and most days it wouldnt bother me in the slightest that someone chose to publicly show their disapproval. Today however, I just did not have he energy to deflect it. It's childish and foolish..and when we have to at least tolerate each other there is just no need of it.

I considered just removing myself from the situation entirely. I dont want discord and I dont want to be made to feel..outcast, but the mere suggestion went down like a sack of bricks and I just dont have any fight left in me anymore.

I have been labelled thousands of things in my time..some true, some ridiculous and some just outright hurtful. Somedays I want to sink to the bottom of the pool and just not re-emerge. In the end, I guess it just doesnt matter what I think or say, life isnt all about Celestia.

In the end, it's just a case of you win, I lose...I give in, I give up..whatever you want is fine by me.

What I wouldnt give to have someone listen now, just listen and hold me. What I wouldnt give to just have someone who supports me. There I go again..wishes and dreams..loosely translated as lies and fairytales..

Yeah..sinking sounds great

I dont think he meant to upset me with it, nevertheless he did...and publicly so. If he can say that to my face..who says what behind my back, teasing or no. I do not purposely toy with anyone. I am what I am and nothing more. I make no claims to anything ...I have no control over other peoples feelings, or where they choose to place them. I gain no pleasure from seeing others hurting.

The term he used...so callous...harvester....Is that what he thinks of me?..That I just chew things up, collect as much as I can and move along to the next? Is that what hurt? That he could think that of me, even if in jest...often that which we say in jest is meant in truth. Or did it hurt that a small part..a little knot deep in the pit of my stomach accompanied by a treacherous little thought said............maybe he's right.

Maybe he hit upon a thought thats so often crossed my mind..as I have laid another tear at my feet, broken something else...maybe he just made my thoughts real when he brought them to light. Perhaps I am just irreparably flawed...and for all the good I wish I could do, the very core of my nature is as black as the depths of the abyss...

When I think of myself that way, and I see all the faces and hear all the words..all the tears, all the pain... I am so ashamed of myself..so ashamed to be who I am, what I am...it makes me feel like a monster. He didnt intentionally mean to hurt me, it was just a passing comment in jest...I hope

That one sentence will replay through my mind ...eternally I think

"a harvester of hearts...she picks up what she needs and then moves on to the next"

I had a whole section written, but you know what? I dont want to talk in riddles today.

Darn, nothing I write seems to fit, or sounds right...I cant seem to find any inspiration at all. I dont know whats going on anymore...not that I ever actually did, but at least I had a grasp of the direction. All the waiting around is going to drive me crazy, this I know..it is already I think.

Sometimes I say things and they seem to right at the time, they seem so perfect, they just roll from the tip of my tongue without notice...but when I have time to rest, and think over what I say, then I begin to question the truth of it...Perhaps I am just fickle

Valimont, what a treasure that man is. Take one moment out of your life to talk to him. He is the most curious poet I have ever had the great fortune to meet, and I will never be able to express to him the awe in which I hold his words.

The guild is having a party and I am actually incredibly excited about it. It's going to be fun. Emmy and Trip have put alot of work into it and I am so grateful to them....and I still will be even when I am dripping in goo...

Why am I so temtped to just doodle? I have the book open, I am looking at the blank page, there are all sorts of words, feelings, issues..stuff...I could write about, deal with...yet all I seem to want to do is draw aimless circles over the page until I have covered it in absolutely nothing. Is that the artistic interpretation of a sigh? I think it might indeed be, or possibly the meaning of life...we shall have to see.

Yes, alas...as you may well have deduced I am yet again driven to the edge of reason by boredom...dammit...can I be bothered to write some epic tale of love, woe and all the in between idiocy...no....can I find the will to impart some completely useless advice onto whomever of you are insane enough to read my drivel...no. Why? Because I live in my world of apathy..and here, boredom holds all the candyballs to ransom.

There was a time, not so long back, when boredom and I were mere acquiantances. We would pass in the street, exchange pleasantries, enjoy a marc or two of each others time and it would pass along quite happily to annoy the next victim. Now however, boredom has become my ever present, ever annoying, chattering little roomate that just will not leave me alone no matter what I do.....AND it's psychic..it has powers of mass destruction, I jest you not. Do not say I didnt warn you, when it is finally done with me it is coming for you. Stock up now with mindnumbing word puzzles and 40million page novels.

Yes, yes Gareth this entry is indeed complete nonsensical gibberish. Yes indeed it is too long, I am sorry about that. Yes you will be upset having read through it and got absolutely nothing worthwhile from it but guess what...tough

Yes Isaac, you are probably falling over laughing at the very moment you get to reading this part. Yes, it will give you a warm fuzzy feeling of happiness as your twisted sadistic nature sets in and you revel in my misfortune.....schadenfruede my dear...I am glad my boredom is entertaining someone at least

Shirila....not....one.....word..

Days move in waves..marcs in and marcs out. All the birds I receive, sometmes I think it would just be better to hide myself away from them, not deal with it. The lies and the falseness..all the lies, I think it's ..ahh what does it matter, it's all my own fault.

I cant go on like this, I ..I have no clue what I a mgoing to do, or how..or even what I want to do. I just want to love and be loved, hold and be held..comfort and be comforted. I dont want to be at the mercy of time and it's constraints...I just ...have you ever considered just how completely useless tears are?

I really hate the lonliness, it's what gets me everytime...just so detatched

It's been a day of careless words and mixed feelings. I do not think he has any idea how much he hurt me with his words...how much he made me feel so..used, but I will never reveal that to him again, not a second time anyway.

I hurt Gareth with my own careless blunder, I do so hate to see the disappointed spark in his eyes, it tears directly at my core. Anger is something I can cope with, but the disappointment is almost unbearable.

Emmy and Trip are superstars, they are both ...they make my day they really do

At some point, we will all want something it's not possible to have..we will all yearn for something, even though we know to do so is futile. Most of us fight it, we fight the taste of bitterness that rises in our throats everytime it slips fromm our grasp, knowing we cannot hold onto it, no matter how much that is our wish. Sometimes we win and learn with a smile, sometimes it wins and we learn with a tear.

I often write about what I want, or what I need..mostly I want the impossible, sometimes I want the simple...but in reality I just need the warmth and comfort. My one true foe, the demon that infests everything good and stirs the taste in my throat...time. I am beset by it, no matter what I do I cannot fight it..it does as it pleases, marching a path through my life, often leaving me yearning for ...life. It steals my bliss and magnifies my agony.

I am a measure of all the good people I know. There are so many shining examples of ..all sorts of virtues, people who are just truly worth their weight in gold. There are people who flourish no matter what happens around them, there are people who need things in order to grow. I am like a little seed, nurtured by the brilliance of their presense, sheltered by the canopy of their arms, incubated by the warmth of their friendship...as the tower towards sunrifter, their presense so bold and bright, so warm and alluring. I shelter beneath them, flourishing in the afterglow, in awe of them all.

They shine like the stars of the heavens above me, all ..each and every one, unique, special and such a pure treasure, making me a better person just to have basked in their reflected presense.

Whit, Emmy, Gareth, Isaac, Shirila, Emma, Elly, Bryg, Nya, Amzer, Merry, Tus, Spyne, Shawna, Sorynn, Tj, Corum, Cog, Trip, Abra, Pers, Val, Balin, Jaden...there are so many, I cannot begin to mention them all, a forest of towering trees. You are my sun, my water, my shelter from the wind and the driving rain...you are my nourishment.

To you all I pay homage, you all make my petals that little bit brighter, my leaves a little greener, and you let me worry a little less about the fact my stem is crooked.

It perplexes me how some people can have such disregard for another when the same two people have shared love. Love is something that never dies, it is kinetic, it moves and sways, but once you have shared a connection with someone, even if things have ended not so well, how can you be nonchalant about their feelings.

New love is great, it's fun and fast, wild and always feels like the beginning of a new dawn. However, that does not give you the right to flaunt it mindlessly...only moments after you have left another. How on earth do people manage to flit from one person to the next with nary a care for a moments pause to reflect in between, as if they are but petals of a flower to be visited, tasted and left for the next. What about rebound? Do people not give themselves time to heal? How after so much pain can they just jump right back into the pot?...I mean...damn, breathe a little.

You do not have to have a relationship in order to be whole. You do not have to bond two weeks after you meet, heaven forbid, you do not have to bond at all..Trust is something so easily misplaced and cast aside, something so easily overlooked...it is a great treasure, once you break it...as I have learned the hard way, only then do you realise it's worth.

I have had my share of love in my life, my share of broken hearts, both my own and others. I have had my share of mistakes, of dreams of desires and moments. I have had my share of trust, both given and received, it has been broken, both by myself and by others. I have said words I dont mean, I have thought love when in truth only found desire or companioniship. I have run to the arms of another as my heart breaks. I have sinned, I have erred...yes, and no, not in hindsight nor in wisdom do I impart any knowledge onto these pages, for I would not dare to dictate when I myself am so flawed, but observations are often made when we avoid looking at our own truths. Often do we condemn another while hiding our own, do we complain while in reality we are desputing with our own guilt.

You cannot forget the pain of the past by diving headlong into the future...all that happens, is you create the beginning of a new past. If it is meant to be, it will wait a while, if it is meant to be it will still be there in years to come. For the sake of sanity, let your hearts breathe before you suffocate them again.

Love is kinetic.

Pulchritudinous...it's vile isnt it? ..Just sound out the letters a moment. It's possibly the most horrid sounding word and yet it means perfect physical form, great beauty.....is that irony?..Nay I think not. I love it when someone challanges me to think a little about something, we do not exercise parts of our minds enough and therein lies the slippery downward slope to boredom. Learning something new is a treasure so easily passed over, but to learn is to live...or possibly to live is to learn...either or.

Fun is all well and good, but sometimes I need, crave..conversation. Real conversation, not the passing comments made over ale, nor the pleasantries we exchange in the street, but real conversation, the type that makes me think. I want too much, thats always been my problem...I just want too much.

Another thing to have come to my attention. It's always a surprise when you wake up one day and realise that there is something you cannot do without, it creeps up on you, one day you are perfectly fine, functioning on..well perhaps functioning is a relative term, at least I am living...quiet well on your own and then there it is....you need something. You didnt mean to, you dont know where the hell it came from or what it thinks it's doing taking over part of your life but bah...for some people it's companionship, or comfort, or fun or sunshine?...I dont know..but there are some things our souls cannot do without...and no matter how much we try to resist it's just tough, we are stuck.

For me it is people, several of them seem to hae worked their way into my ..being...and I cannot seem to remove them, like..leaches!...But to see them smile is such a simple joy..damn them

I have been thinking about irony and how it's relevance, along with time, seems to hold such a sway over my life. You would think, considering the catalogue of past events filled to the brim with the height of irony, you would think that I would be able to anticipate these events happening and prepare for them. So why the, do I leave myself so open for the inevitable?

It strikes me also, how time seems to tie directly in with the sadistic nature of my irony, being eith part cause of it or cause of its prolongment in the very least. I hate it, I hate that Icannot seem to stop screwing up no matter what do..or that I perpetually seem to relive the same set of events, but in a different time with a different set of people....but it all ends the same...

What am I doing so wrong here?

There are very few people whose words words have been true through all this, through everything. So many people blindly throw the word love around, the smallest of feelings being expressed as it. Perhaps why so many bondings fail...we do not wait to feel that real connection....too quick to speak the words but in reality, heads are turned by the next thing to give attention. When someone says the words to me, alas..the first thing I feel is not elation but scepticism. Perhaps due to my jaded nature..

Sometimes I forget, sometimes I hurt myself over the thought of things I have done when in reality I have done nothing at all..so many lies are spoonfed to me, coated in honey to make it taste like truth..often I take it all with the pinch of salt it is due..but sometimes, I am foolish enough to allow myself to believe it..and then torment myself over the problems it causes...but when all is said and done it's still just sweet tasting lies.

And now I have the torture of lying myself or causing more pain..I feel less, it makes me less of a person..I hate lies, I hate this.....It would be stupid of me to think that the feeling of hurt I have now is in anyway mirrored...How could it be when it's all lies?

I know I am not the best of people, I know I hurt people and I know I am not the most moral or the least selfish. I dont try my hardest, Im not inspirational, Im not half of what I wish I was....and I know I probably far deserve to feel this way.

But how dare someone make me feel so worthless, so ..used

And in a blink, one thing is cast aside in a haze of lies and a whirlwind of anger..and this time, it truly isnt my fault

Why dont I listen to myself?

Moral of the story..do not farm..GRRRR...I farm ALL morning, I finally get the stupid horrors to drop a crystal and what do I get??? A VIOLET!!...I just want one, just ONE single blue that isnt a dupe....and I gave my amulet away so this violet has to sit there while I do nothing with it ...gods I hate my sucky luck

Darn it, I forgot...Corum is a god!..Thank you sweetie, I am now......EL CEL!!

Once again I have managed to get myself into a stupid situation without even trying. I have talent..I dont even know how I manage it. It makes me feel so rotten, even without moving I cause people pain. I cannot please everyone, I cant please anyone! No matter how hard I try or what I do, someone always seems to be staring at me with eyes full of pain, and I am powerless to fix it. Sometimes it makes me want to hide, to hole myself where no one can see, where I cannot connect or talk or see. Only...that would hurt people too.

I talk with so many people, in the silent moments words and faces flash through my mind, all streamed together, no sense..replaying images and sounds. Fleeting glimpses of eyes, tears, a touch, a smile...sometimes I need something..something, to keep me grounded, to keep me in a little bubble...just for a few marcs. Just a place I can rest my head and let life flow without replying all the mistakes, all the sounds...all the chaos.

Sometimes I dont need the bubble, life is good, problems are few and it all seems rosey and perfect....then sometimes I need it so much, I could immerse myself in it, just lay at the bottom of a pool, in the safety..not thinking, just feeling warm and comforted...something to tell me it's not my fault, even though it is...just take away a little..

My selfishness prevails even in my quiet moments.

okay..I had totally forgotten why I love fall festival ...but I do 1000%..it turns the population of Valorn into fun loving people who are willing to stop, talk, entertain, enjoy and share...I love it...it's a perfect time of year to form friendships.

Last fall festival is when I wandered into these lands...and...Now I know why I stayed...

You all rock my socks!!

I am shedding tears for the unknown, tears for the what ifs. They feel hot as the slip down over my cheeks....in the end is it all just words and nothing else? When you think you have something, do you really have it?...Does it really want you?

I guess it will serve my right really..all these tears for the unknown...as if a big sign saying 'dont go out on the ice' wasnt enough to stop me.

One day, one sweet sweet day...I will stop being a fool...and get something right

I'm scared, Im scared of the way I feel...I dont know what it means, I am scared to express it, scared to harbour it, scared at what it implies. If I could, I would run...but I have no means to free myself...

I feel like I am balancing on the edge of a blade..even though each step cuts so deep into my flesh, its a pain welcomed..a pain from which I draw comfort. If I should slip...I fall...what do I fall to. I can be broken this time, not like before..not..not like before. This time, should the knife choose to tip me...

I dont understand how it has happened....so quickly. How has he stolen from me that which I ..never gave freely of myself, and done it so..I did not even notice! Always I have kept a little to myself, a little for me...my reserve, my backup for when I fail. I want to reach out and I want to pull back, I want to say every word that rests on the tip of my tongue, but I do not want to be vulnerable...I do not want to put myself in the position

Im like a frightened little kitten, how has this happened to me. So curious, wanting the comfort, the warm touch...but so tentative, one step forward and six steps back into the darkness. Oh gods what have I done, I cannot back out...I cannot pull away from him ..he is going to hurt me, but I am in way...way ..too deep, Im lost to him.

I tried to write so many things, put pen to paper dozens of times, each time to pull the quill away. My mind is not my own, it is no longer a part I keep solely to myself. It wanders continuoulsy of it's own devices. I have no level of concentration for anything at all....it is driving me crazy.

I am not sure what is worse, to be alone or to constantly feel a sense of longing...but then, to be alone is to feel a constant sense of longing, it's just not for something specific. I think I will spend my life this way..

There is a moment in each day, just one moment in each day where..all sound, all commotion, all sight...just everything..everything around me blanks out, fades into nothing..nothing intrudes upon my conscious and all I can think about, all that comsumes me...is you...and there you are.

There is an emptiness that sometimes assails me, I have no real idea...no real explanation of what it is, or where it comes from. It is something I feel..I..it's a space, a void where something lay only moments before, but as sudden as the winds may change there it is. It weighs at me, drags me down..stops my feet, waves away my smile..it steals the colour from my vision. Just one little spot of emptiness.

Does it assail anyone else? It's not like loss..it's like there never was. One moment everything is as fine as it has ever been..and then I blink and there it is. Only sometimes. Sometimes I can shake it, and it's gone as soon as it came...and sometimes it consumes me, and then I seek solitude..perhaps I do not seek it, perhaps the emptiness demands it, but I am driven to solitude or forced to wear the smile of politeness...I hate that smile. Sometimes it will last the day, sometimes only a few marcs before I can dispell it..sometimes it takes me for weeks. I do not know what it is, or how to counteract it...only that sometimes...just sometimes...there it is.

I hate myself sometimes. I can be such a complete...idiot

Im so bored...I think my brains dribbled out of my ear and crawled away while I wasnt looking. I wonder if there is such a thing as too bored to sleep? Like..too cold for snow? What a pile of pap...no such thing as too cold for snow, too cold for snow means you should have been hibernating 3 months ago and why are you still awake??

Gods what is wrong with me??!! Can I not entertain myself?? ARGH I blame...I..

Today officially sucks

Emmy has a token, I cannot believe how upset I am about that...Rogues have all the luck, it's science.

I have thought of another thing to add to my list

5. Boredom - loosely defined as the root of all evil. The unbearable state of ennui is what drives me to mischief and/or apathy. Tedium is the cause ...loosely...of most of my mistakes. It drives one to despair. It creates monsters from the meekest of creatures, sadists from the most angelic of souls and destruction from where once resided the most creative of minds. It's like a vortex, sapping all life, all air to breathe...drawing everyone and everything...an affliction that is sure to greet us all with it's gaping maw at some point...Gods do I hate to be bored

I suppose in a way it all relates back to time..so perhaps I should make boredom a suffix of time. Perhaps boredom, in relation..could be given as the very definition of time....for you only notice time when you are bored and waiting..ahh perhaps that is only me, and a generalisation where I should have been specific.

Perhaps that is all I want in life...a soul to share in my boredom...to provide me with the inspiration to take it away...to give me curiousity in abundance and to just idly waste away the hours

Boredom is a vital problem for the moralist, since at least half the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it

Impromtu and with true Celestia style...I guess I am not conventional in that manner. I am what I am, and I was honoured to be able to do something so ...important...for two people I care so much about. I did a good job I think...ah well, in the end I guess all that matters is they are bonded and they love each other.

It made me think about all the things I never said to Tus. About all the times I skirted over what should have just been said outright. What happened between us was my fault alone. I never went to him after it happened, I never asked him to take me back, nor apologised properly for what occured...I should have. Gareth told me to so many times, but my pride...what little I held left to me, would not allow me to beg him. I am glad I finally went to him, said my sorries for all those things I did not do but should have. They were things I should long have told him and it was closure.

So I spent the morning trying to cheer my soul. Once again in a stupid pink dress humiliating myself for the benefit of the masses...but it is worth it to see that twinkle in his eye. I do not like to see him down, he does not realise how much his mood reflects upon me. I mirror it, even though I do not try to. He is worth a little tripping over in a scratchy dress.

He surprised me with his brief presense... I would never ever tell him to his face, but each time he sleeps my stomach sinks...he makes me smile

I have changed my mind, reconsidered...decided anew. It's my prerrogative as a female of the species. The ability to changes ones mind in a complete 180 at any due point throughout the proceedings and then subsequently blame said change on a male. Gods I love being female.

Although admitedly they may be partially stronger when it comes to mere braun...they lack the skill to accurately apply any actual acumen to the situation, especially when faced with what is seemingly an arguement due entirely at the result of their own foolish comments. You think that they would learn via tri
al and error to purely keep shush for 5 minutes while the whirlwind of whatever female ire is in full flow but alas, it seems they lack even the base ability to a) control their tongues or b) learn from any mistakes no matter how many times they make them. Even the most basic of life forms learn through conitnued trial and error.

So, I have changed my mind and decided, there are things I do hate...many things in fact, much more than I first thought. I have come to the conclusion, in hindsight..that I should make a small list of the things that come to irk me in times of rest when I am mulling over the events of my life.

Ergo...said list may take some time over several entires as I think of new and wonderous things to add.

1. My first and possibly the most avid of things at my displeasure would be sleeping. It has come to my attention over several months that sleeping is some kind of slow torture and is used such by the more infuriating people within the boundaries of my life. Perhaps I should in loosen that to a more general term and say time. Time is indeed the worst of my hates.

2. Lies, lies ..however told, whether with the best of intentions or truly with nothing but the intent to decieve for ones own gain...wthint the scope of this I include mistruths...those that arent exactly a stright out lie but more a redirection and/or an equivocation of the truth

ok now we have the serious ones dealt with lets get right down to it.

3. Men and bears...they arent much different in all reality, both require a little soothing, a little violence and talk in loud and obnoxious grunts. Generally, I am inclined to believe bears and men are of the same or albeit decidedly similar genetic makeup, less a little hair and a few sharp teeth.

Sorynn just asked me to preside over her bonding................

Crap!

Why? Why everytime something..anything is going the slightest bit forward in my life does something have to happen to screw with it?

Why cant people just come right out and say whatever it is they want to say..instead of endless constant confusion? Sometimes I think the world is set on screwing with my head

I'm sat here thinking...I hate thinking, it's so bad for my health. I'm twisting the tiny piece of metal between my fingers and wondering how it managed to create such a tumult. I cannot stop my thoughts drifting back to him, I love it and hate it in equal measure.

I have a zest for life again, for fun and mischief..for all the things I was losing. I would never have let myself slip so far so fast before...I do not understand what has changed, or how he has managed to capture me so. It's just another thing that makes me more intrigued with him. And here comes the part where I am afraid...the chase is fun and the first few weeks blissful. What happens when they realise you arent what they wanted and that they can do better. It's why I do not fall, this time I cannot stop and I am afraid.

Has found the excuse for her life in the ss of her affection
I would never ever let anyone mark me...and yet I have and I did not even tink twice about it, I did not falter nor worry what it would look like...I was...excited about it. I hate that! How dare he! I hate how I cant even see anyone else when he is there, how he steals my focus completely....How dare he command my attention, how dare he confuse my mind so.

How dare he take over my book!! Dammit
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Sometimes, when you are sitting in a town just, watching the world go by...watching as life steadily slips past your eyes, you cannot help but want to run. There are times when seeing the world rush about it's business as I take the time to breathe, that I feel I am the lucky one. Then there are the times where I feel I am the one wasting away.

I am sat in the tower, it's not as peaceful as the water but I do not want to face the whirlwind of thoughts and memories it conjures. I can see the moon, my moon...waning, making it's path across the night sky sedately. I love the subtle light, I can see the bright lamps of Dundee burning like little stars, mirroring the heavens. There is a border, a thin line between peacefully quite and achingly alone. I am not sure which I have accomplished this night. The flashes of light from the towns bustle call to me, yet drive me into solitude.

The air is fresh here, the breeze holding a little chill, blowing across my skin. Every so often it carries the remnants of laughter and chatter to my ears. Fragments of words lost to the wind, my mind wanders so much of late that is all I hear mostly anyway, even when sat amidst the idle chatter. Removed, my connections few and far between and I am so thankful for them, even though I am watching them slip away slowly.

I am back to missing people again....I guess I accomplished achingly alone

He liked it, Im not sure that..had I given the same kind of gift to anyone other than him, they would have felt the same way. That is what makes him special. He understood, he understands that for all the acerbic things I say to him, every single thing is said purely to make him smile and laugh. He understands me.

He would willingly humiliate himself for my entertainement, and does so...as I would for him in abundance..and do so. The connection I share with him is not something I can put into words. He is like the male version of myself...with perhaps a little less grace...and wit...and...you see? I cannot help it, he just presents such endless options for the wicked part of my nature..I love it.

And so he is talking to me, thank the gods for I thought I had truly lost him this time. I could not possibly bear life without him, not after so long, and so much. The Cleric is and has been ..I cant lose him from my life..he is a diamond.

Wishes are for fools...wishing will not bring what you want, nor will it save you the heartache of not having it, but if I were to have one wish..one single wish to be granted, I know for what I would ask.

I wish to have the words..or to have a touch, a hug, ..something, I wish for the ability to ease the pain of others. Not the physical pain, for those scars heal with time anyway, but the emotional torment. I would wish only to lessen it, for pain is necessary to appreciate the good...but merely to ease it's passing, to take some away and allow people to heal. I would strike a bargain to whomever would listen and grant such wishes...to share in it, to take some of the agony into myself..to halve the hurt in order to heal it quickly.

I do not wish to inspire people, nor to have glory in battle, nor reknown. I do not wish to be a martyr, nor to seem a saint. I do not wish for mountains of platinum, nor material wealth. I wish not for peace of mind, nor wisdom. I do not wish for titles and land, respect nor love. I do not wish for much...I merely want to make life easier to bear

I am not much, I am a simple woman, to have a million things would be wonderful, but..I know life does not grant us miracles in abundance...so we have to count the small mercies.

If I could have anything at all, it would be to help the people I love, relinquish a little of their anguish, for being helpless is a torture unto itself.

So to the granter of wishes, whomever you may be, I beg...I beg and bow and crawl before you and ask ..ask only that you grant me the words and actions, to comfort the people I love and soothe a little of what ails them...and make life just that little bit less like hell

So it seems he wishes not to talk to me...theres not much I can do for that ..I am..well, the pain of it is indescribable..I feel like I am losing part of what makes me. He has been ...me, for so long. I understand though, I dont blame him....like a band aid, get it done in one go and forget it...and I will keep my promises...

Anyway..he has a patch! I love it..he makes me smile so much, time with him is just...there are few people in life that you meet and really connect with...on a level you dont comprehend..In my life I have met three such people, and I count myself more than blessed to have done so.

Formal disclaimer :- Miss Celestia Greycloak is hereby not responsible for any death, injury, pain, tears, destruction, upset, loss and/or grief, embarassment, depression, mistakes and any other event that may in some way lead to bad stuff, as a result of any of the afformentioned (see earlier entries) advice of any kind nor as a result of any advice to come. Advice may be changed at any time and/or removedand is the right of it's witless Celestia Greycloak:- henceforth to be known as the proprietor. All advice was semi correct at time of print and any mistakes are the fault of the quill, and are not the responsibility of the witless.

Please use caution and try a little pinch of salt when thinking of acting on any advice or information given by proprietor and do try and get a second opinion. This said, any happy, smiling, blissful, jubilant, advantageous, auspicious, prosperous, satisfying and/or any other event that might result in the outcome being good, may be attribluted to the propreitor in all circumstances and thusly expressed, in writing or in person, 24 marcs a day, to the proprietor.


[SIZE=1]Warning :- Blindly following advice and not listening to ones inner voice may result in irrepairable pain.........especially if you insist on listening to anything I say [/SIZE]

Many thanks.

Miss Ceslestia Greycloak

There is an ache..it's like nothing you ever encounter, it's not like a physical ache, more like..you ache with your essence, although you can feel it..it runs deeper than flesh. People experience it for many things, for their children, family, their homeland...lovers. It's a combination of such a strong longing, a yearning that grips at your soul...and such a physical sensation, like you can feel something deep inside you, being ripped away.

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable

This I will say...go for it, always, aways go for it. If you screw up well hey, you tried...there is more truth in that one sentence than in most words I speak. You may wake up one day and your whole life has slipped you by, or you may wake up and find your whole life lying next to you.

So it took you 30 tries to get it right...you tried, it's better than waiting and fretting and then it being too late...and you never get the chance. There is nothing deeper than regret for the unknown. So do it...now, do it. Whatever that one thing is, that thing that you always wanted to say, always wanted to do...NOW. Not later, or tomorrow...or the next day, dont wait on something different, dont conisder the consequences...if it matters that much then do it.

It is better to cry 3 months worth of hard tears over a mistake made in earnest...that cry a lifetime of pain over a experience never chanced upon. Life is short, it wont still be there tomorrow.

In the end, you wait too long you lose it anyway...so what are we all so afriad of. We make mistakes sure, gods know I make more than most, but when I get it right it will be all the sweeter for having faced the hardship.

I want to sing a thousand words, I want to bear my soul to the world, I want to scream my pain from the mountains and fill the desert with my tears. I want to hole myself up in quarantine, I want to hide from the eyes...

I breathe in the memories...Im trying, so hard am I trying

If I just lay here, would you lie with me?